Meet the 2024 Scholars

"Describe a defining moment in your journey with CF that sparked personal growth or resilience. How did this experience affect you and what did you learn from this moment? "

Twelve years ago, at a children's hospital, I was dressed as a dinosaur and painting pumpkins with a transplant patient, Adam. When Adam's mom told us their neighbors would recreate Halloween for Adam following his discharge in November, Adam whispered to me that he did not want that. I was shocked and asked why not. He said, " I don't want to feel different." I excused myself to the bathroom and cried. I knew how he felt. In 7 words, Adam had summarized my relationship with my CF. I had spent my life hiding my CF in fear of being different. I kept my diagnosis hidden except when I was volunteering and felt at one with the patients. I would love to say that my talk with Adam was my turning point, that after speaking with him, I gained confidence in all parts of myself, including in my CF. It wasn't. Adam had drawn my attention to it, but it took another eight years for me to reckon with my CF and gain the confidence I fully needed. When I met my fiance, Jonathan, I secretly took my pills in the bathroom and would wake up at 4 AM so that I could alter my treatment schedule, doing one at 4 AM and one at 3 PM before going over to play board games with him. I hid my CF until the very last moment that I could, until one year into our relationship when I got pre-vaccine COVID. I was knee-deep in my treatments, hacking up a left lung, when Eric Clapton's "Pretty Girl" came on. Jonathan was humming along, and when I glanced at him, I saw him looking at me. Looking at me like I was the prettiest girl at a time when I felt very physically ugly. I was grungy, sweaty, feverish, and probably a smidge smelly, but worst of it all, I was gross. Yet, looking at him, I could tell that wasn't what he saw. Watching him watch me, I felt so fortunate, loved, and at home with who I am. I realized then that my fears of being less than because I might need IVF to "weed out" my CF gene, and being ugly because I am a sputum machine were unfounded. One year from becoming a doctor, this experience has greatly affected me and made me a much better physician than I would have been otherwise. As someone who took twenty years to fully become one with my diagnosis, I understand that the process of fully understanding and reckoning with one's diagnoses, be they diagnoses like high blood pressure, diabetes, or cancer, can take years. Patients should not be expected to understand their diagnoses in mere minutes or days. By intimately understanding that I can be a better advocate for my patients and a source of strength for them as they fight their health battles. I am better prepared to walk with my patients on their road to recovery.